Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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