Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
