I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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