Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
