smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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