He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
