Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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