I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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