I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
