I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
