we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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