goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
