My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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