I just saw a hot homeless man
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
