awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
