I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I deserve to be covered in dicks
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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