Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
