I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
