Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
