I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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