i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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