dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
