Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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