Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
