Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
