so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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