He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
