Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
