I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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