I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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