Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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