I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize