She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This baby is an asshole
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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