Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
