If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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