Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
