she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
