Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
