I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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