I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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