wat bout pragnant strippers??
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
