Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
