epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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