I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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