You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize