you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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