I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
