my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize