Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
