Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
