Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
