and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
