I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
