I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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