Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
