New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This toilet bowl is my home.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
