You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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