It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Randomize
