dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
