I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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